I'll Never Do That Any More

It was Saturday nite, I was feelin' alright
And I took me a ride into town.
And so pretty soon, in my fav'rite saloon,
I was puttin' a few cool ones down.
Then in through the door comes this guy six foot four
With a face like a stubbed out cigar,
And he looked straight at me and he said, "I kin see
"You have taken my place at the bar."

I said, "Pick on another, or go get your mother.
"I'm sure she is tougher than you."
He said, "Do you doubt I will now throw you out?
"Pal, you sure need a lesson or two."
As I took up my stand it was then that his hand
Swiftly lifted me off of the floor.
I went up and around, lit outside on the ground,
And I'll never do that any more.

Winter was gone and spring roundup was on
And I looked for a nice gentle horse.
The boss said, "Now listen. You better take this'n.
"You will have to break him, of course."
So I said, "What's the use?" and got on that cayuse,
And from there through the air I did soar.
And the next I remember it's almost September.
I'll never do that any more.

The love of my life caused me trouble and strife
From the moment that we two were married.
Then I thought, "Well, of course, I'll just get a divorce.
"Then no longer will I be so harried."
The judge says, "Okay, You can have it your way,
"But the wife gets to even the score."
Now I'm always dead broke; alimony's no joke,
And I'll never do that any more.

Dear Uncle Willy phoned me from Phillie.
He needed a thousand or two.
He wanted to bet on a horse which as yet
Hadn't won any race that he knew.
So I laughed and I scoffed and I dusted him off
And I said, "What do you take me for?"
Now there's egg on my face 'cause that nag won the race,
And I'll never do that anymore.

At the end of the run he paid thirty to one,
And I'll never do that any more, more, more, more,
I'll never do that any more!